Who put that mirror there ? ? ?

I have just had a lovely week off work to spend time with my boys, (hubby and son).  Been looking forward to it for ages, just a few days away and a few days pottering around at home.

I love the getting away from the norm, where nobody can bother us as, we can escape into what I call the "Stewart Bubble"  A place where the three of us are together and the outside world is just that "outside".

I love the hotel living, beds made, very comfy ones at that.  Power showers that are so good you would happily shower 3 or 4 times a day just for the fun of it, oh and most of all the breakfast made for you without any washing up.

All good things yeah, until ..... MIRRORS

The full length mirror behind the door, the extra large mirror in the bathroom, more mirrors for doing your hair.  They are everywhere, Why ??  Who needs to look at themselves that much.

So the first day away and I am standing in the hotel bathroom, ready to have the power shower experience, and I catch a glance of my image in the mirror.  I try not to look, why spoil my really good mood by reminding myself of my size and shape.  You turn around again and there you are still the same size and shape, no where to hide no matter which way you turn.  Who thought it was a good idea to put so many mirrors in one place, especially one that could fit a small football team in its view.  

I put the image out of my mind and remind myself why I don't have mirrors at home, they just make you feel worse.  Remind you of what you already know but prefer not to be realistic about. If I only ever view my head and shoulders the rest isn't so bad, I can't see past my boobs when I look down anyway so the size of the rest of me is a mystery.  Well until you go to a hotel.

Well by day three, the mood was slipping and I started to realise it was something to embrace and not hide from.  OK so I am fat, hello !!! that's why I am on a diet.  Granted I would prefer not to look five months pregnant (yes that's what I looked like when expecting)  BUT I decided to use the images that I couldn't escape from as my before photo's.  Poised in front of the said mirrors, trying my best to take a full selfie without getting the arms in the way and without the flash going off, I faced my demons. 

They are far from pretty but they are here for motivation, so I can see where I was when I get where I am going.  A little scared to put them out there for anyone to see but it would seem everyone can see it but me (the boobs thing lol) but hey ho, its all part of the journey.

The New Fat Photo

When you see a photo of yourself, one taken by someone else and you have no say in the position of the camera to hide the chins, that kind of photo.  Well that was me yesterday.  I saw this one and god it hit me hard.

Shocking, awful, ugly, and most of all FAT.

Its funny, and not ha ha funny, but weird funny how we can be blind to how we look.  We can be huge and not see it and in the same sense can lose it all and still see the fat us.  Well this photo has sickened me even more than I already was.

I have been unsure about blogging about my weight loss for a while, not wanting to feel a failure for always "starting again", for never succeeding at reaching my goal and not wanting to feel I am repeating myself.

When I started writing this blog, back in 2013 it was to get into the ww magazine but I found I loved having somewhere to express my feelings and not worry about the judgement you often get with being yourself, so here I am again, starting over, not giving up, expressing how I feel in the words I want to use and not caring about judgement.

This is my weight loss journey, still a roller coaster, still really hard to do but still trying and determined one day I will get there.

Sadly it has taken this photo to get me back on here.  Its such a shame as the photo has come from an amazing day out and is now a little tarnished by this, BUT if I can use it as motivation then a positive can be made from a negative situation.

First post over, just as tough as standing back on the scales but its done.

Weigh in tomorrow night, see what damage this week has done, a lot after the marathon overload of beige food today to console myself for being fat, yeah no logic there but I'm complicated, say no more.

Lisa x